Empowering Yourself by Overcoming Intrusive Negative Self Talk

Jen Williams
Oct 3
3 min read

This week I’ve struggled with intrusive thoughts about my appearance - my weight, my body, my skin losing elasticity as I age, the wrinkles, and the dark bags beneath my eyes. I try to eat healthily, I look after my skin, but still the signs of ageing appear defiantly, as if resisting every cream, serum, and ritual.

Defiance, in fact, has been another theme this week. My five-year-old daughter has been excruciatingly defiant, every question answered with a sharp “no” or a snide remark aimed directly at me. I’ve breathed through each moment, reminding myself that she is learning, finding her voice, and testing her edges. I’ve lowered myself to her level, looked into her eyes, and gently asked her to speak kindly to me, because it hurts when she shouts or uses a mean tone.

And yet, the hypocrite of the week award goes to me. Because while I ask her to speak kindly to me, I often fail to offer that same kindness to myself. Instead, my inner voice whispers, “You’re getting more wrinkles”, “You look rubbish today”, “Your hair doesn’t suit you like this", “You should go to the gym more”.

I would never speak to anyone else in this way, so why do I allow it in my own mind?

Psychologist Robert Puff explains: “Human beings have a tendency to say really mean things to themselves that they could never imagine saying to someone else. When we notice that we’re speaking to ourselves in a way that we wouldn’t speak to others, we must ask ourselves if the messages are helpful or not”. (Psychology Today, 2015).

The first step in breaking this cycle is awareness. Catching that inner critic in the moment creates space, a pause between the thought and your acceptance of it as truth. As Claire Foster writes: “Not all thoughts are facts… a lot of the thoughts we have are subjective interpretations, not objective truths. Recognising this distinction can reduce negative emotions and improve our ability to make choices based on reality rather than assumptions”. (Foster, 2020).

That pause, that choice, is where power lies. It’s the same lesson I want to teach my daughter: words matter. Whether spoken aloud to others or whispered silently to ourselves, words can either erode or empower.

And then today life gave me a test. I saw a photo of myself taken earlier this week, captured at an event that celebrated and empowered women. My first reaction was instinctive and negative: I zoomed in on flaws, criticised my body, dismissed my worth. But then I remembered the room that photo was taken in - the voices lifted, the solidarity shared, the energy of women standing together. Instead of hiding, I reframed the moment. I chose to see the photo not as a flaw, but as a reminder of power.

I shared it across social media with the words: “Empowered women, empower women”.

Because if even one woman saw it and felt braver, stronger, or more visible because of it, then that is empowerment in action.

As Brené Brown reminds us: “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do”.

And that’s where it begins, in the words we choose for ourselves, in the way we speak to our daughters, in the courage to take what once felt like weakness and transform it into strength.

Empowered women empower women. And that empowerment starts, quietly but powerfully, within.

If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.

Jen

Empowering Yourself by Overcoming Intrusive Negative Self Talk

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